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Vegejor

The Weeping Wall

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Name: Legacy of the Weeping Wall

 

Main Text: You are lost! You try to recall where you got lost, hoping to be able to find your way back. However before you can even close your eyes to think, an annoying sound drills into your skull. It makes thinking almost impossible. "Off course you are lost, it is your first year after all... you are supposed to get lost. Did you know that 97% of the freshmen, such as yourself, get lost during their first week? Or that 45% still get lost more than twice a week at the end of their first year? In fact 57% gets los-" The monotone mumbling of the rather annoyed ghost, which seems to have been an arrhythmic lunatic in his life, is interrupted rather rudely by a flick of your wand.

 

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You can't remember where he first started to follow you, but now you just can't seem to get rid of him. Incantation, negation, bluff, deceit... nothing helps against the persistent ghost as it sticks to you like a bad case of Mudion's Disease.

 

The only thing you can do is temporarily deafen yourself so at the very least you don’t have to listen to him as you are pretty sure that his boring, monotone speeches would cause severe brain damage.

 

If only it were lasting…

 

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For some reason your spell keeps deteriorating at a highly increased rate. Even keeping it up is a light, but constant strain on your mind and ability to concentrate. While it doesn’t explain how you got lost in the first place, it is the reason you can’t think long enough to find your way back.

 

Instead you simply continue to walk forwards, waiting till you find something you recognize. The school can’t be that big. You try to reassure yourself, forgetting for convenience sake that this is a magic school. Anything is possible and will probably happen. That thought can only lead to panic though so you suppress that thought the best you can.

 

-----------------------------

 

Distracted and severely annoyed by the constant mumbling of your involuntary companion. Even with the spell you keep casting on yourself his voice still reaches you. Like a soft humming deep inside your brain and you can’t cast it out. It slowly drives you insane, so much that you don’t even notice it slightly varies when you are faced with a choice of paths.

 

Suddenly you find yourself at a dead end. You feel uncertain and stupid rather then annoyed. Quickly you take a look around to see if you recognizes something. You don’t think you can take anymore of the ghosts crap and you guess there is a 79% chance being completely lost will only make it worse.

 

--------------------------------

 

The moment you realize what you just thought you get the urge to slam your head against a wall. Well you’d rather kill the ghost for what he is doing to you, but thinking about that only increases your headache.

 

Instead you try to focus on your surroundings again.

 

Unfortunately, just as before, you don’t recognize anything. In fact it only seems to have gotten worse. Not only do you not recognize any locations, you also notice you are not familiar with style of the place. It is completely different from anything you have seen so far in the academy.

 

-------------------------------

 

Aside from the strange smell that reminds you of the graveyard back at home and the smell off blood in the air, you quickly realize something is wrong with this place. In fact the longer you stand there the stronger you can smell the blood. The smell is so thick you can practically taste the iron on your tongue every time you inhale.

 

What makes it even stranger though is that it almost seems as if you are the first to come here for centuries. Thick layers of dust are everywhere and aside from your own footprints the dust hasn't been disturbed in its settling process for a long, LONG time!

 

------------------------------

 

Quickly a dozen scary stories from your youth pop into your head. The fact that you are in this creepy place is enough to get your heart rate up to new records and the fact that your only companion is a ghost doesn’t exactly help improve that.

 

You wonder if you should ask your companion. After all he said he had been around since the beginning of the school so he might have seen it before it became so dusty. Besides that, ghosts are the only creatures that can go anywhere without disturbing the dust. After considering those and a dozen other options you turn around to ask him. Reluctantly though as you fear giving him attention might cause him to stick around even longer.

 

-----------------------

 

 

Just when you turn around to ask though you come to the startling revelation you haven't heard any mumbling since you were here. Sure enough, when you turn around you notice you are all alone in this creepy place.

 

Now fear really grasps at your soul and you feel it creeping up your spine as you realize you are all alone in this place. When suddenly the smell of death and blood becomes twice as strong and still increases rapidly the urge to bolt and get the hell out of there establishes itself deeply in your mind.

 

-------------------------------

 

When suddenly something loudly starts to weep and moan behind you can't help but run for your life before you have to put on new underwear for the third time this day!

 

As you turn back however to run like you have never done before you stop dead in your tracks. Your eyes widen in unbelief, trembling heavily in their sockets, as your pupils dilate. Your breathing and even your pounding heart stop for a second as you realize the way back is gone.

 

You can’t explain how it got there. It doesn’t make sense, put as your fists pound on the wall you notice it is solid and not merely an illusion as you hoped.

 

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In a reflex you draw your wand and release your strongest, most destructive spells (sounding more impressive then it is since you are only in the first year and they haven’t bothered teaching you the cool stuff yet) on the wall.

 

You are quickly forced to stop though once you realize all your spells are bouncing harmlessly off the wall. In fact they turn accelerate and begin to bounce through the room like some pin ball game.

 

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How all those bouncing spells manage to miss you, you can’t explain. When you eventually get back to your room though you count at least six holes in your outfit, yet you don’t have so much as a scratch.

 

Caught up in dodging your own spells you had almost forgotten where you were, but you are quickly reminded off it when you hear a voice behind you.

 

It feels as if your blood freezes in its veins when suddenly someone behind you begins to weep in the most creepy and scary way you have ever heard. You were certain there was nobody else in this room before. The more you think about it, the more this is turning into a horror story.

 

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Suddenly you notice a flicker in the wall where previously your spells bounced off. You could make a run for towards the wall, hoping your luck will hold out.

 

It is the most obvious choice. Every horror story tells you never to look behind you when you suddenly hear a voice, unless you want to die a gruesome death. You can’t explain why, but for some reason the urge to look around anyway is growing stronger though.

 

Perhaps you want to know who it is before you die. Or perhaps you subconsciously detected something else in the weeping? You really don’t know, but you know you have to make the choice now. Either run or face the mysterious voice behind you.

 

End Main Text:

 

 

Options:

 

 

EXIT 1: To hell with it! You don’t want to become the victim of another horror story. You make a run for it.

EXIT 1: Role: N/A (is always successful. This is the escape option that doesn’t net you anything.)

EXIT 1:[/b] Success: You close your eyes as you dash forwards towards the wall. With fear driving you forwards you run like you have never done before. You can feel the air brush past you. You notice how practically every fiber in your body working together to get away from that place.

 

The one thing you don’t notice though is that you should have hit the wall some time ago. Blinded by fear you just keep running forwards as fast as you can. Off course running blindly can only result in one outcome.

 

Yet when you wake up in the hospital six hours later, with a broken nose and a severe concussion, you are merely glad you are alive. Off course you are also glad that you weren’t conscious long enough to feel the pain as you slammed into the wall.

 

EXIT 1: Penalty:

• - You Lose 2 vitality (not of the maximum)

• -1 Courage

• +1 Running

• +1 Endurance

• + 3 stress

 

 

EXIT 2: Curiosity: As frightened as you are, deep inside you know you will never be able to live with yourself if you don't find out who is talking.

EXIT 2: Role: Luck: School Survival  Curiosity

EXIT 2: Success: Clenching your teeth and your bottom you turn around. Your teeth are so hard and fast they have played three famous songs before you can turn around. As the weeping grows louder you turn around only to notice there is nothing behind you but solid wall. Still the moaning is definitely coming from the direction you are looking at. Just as it starts to creep you out to the point where you will definitely the need a new pair of underwear, you notice something odd.

 

The wall is weeping. You rub out your eyes a few times, but no matter how hard you try you can't change the fact that there is a red substance oozing from the wall.

 

... A weeping wall... forget fear, forget new boxers. (You will need them afterwards though) Who cares about such trivial things when you are confronted with such curious things? Even the fact that the substance oozing from the wall turns out to be blood doesn't disturb you anymore. You start to examine it with as much care and precision as a scientist, when you suddenly hear a voice. Suddenly you realize you are about to make the discovery off the century! With a voice trembling with delight you answer and you are still surprised as the wall answers.

 

EXIT 2: Success Reward:

+1 Courage

+1 Curiosity

+ Added: Amulet of Bloody Tears

+ Added Spell: Steel Blood

 

+1 Stress

-1 Vitality

 

EXIT 2: Failure: Despite your fear your curiosity is even stronger. Your willpower is among the strongest of the school and despite your body’s resistance you force yourself to turn around.

 

When you find out there is behind you and yet the weeping continues, your resolve slowly begins to fade away. Slowly you take a step back, when you suddenly realize the dust is gone and instead you step into something wet. Surprised you look at the red substance and once you realize it is actual blood you are standing in you break.

 

Waking up in the medical room you notice you are covered in blood, but you can’t remember how it got there. You don’t even remember what exactly happened in the room.

 

A few weeks later after you have regained your composure you set out to find the room again, but to no avail. Along with your friends you scour through the entire school, but you find nothing even reminding you off the room.

 

In the end your friends give up and even say out loud you must have dreamed the entire ordeal. Even you almost believe so, but then… where did all that blood come from? In the end even you are forced to give up though. Accepting whatever happened will probably remain a mystery forever.

 

EXIT 2: Failure Reward:

+1 Courage

-1 Curiosity

-2 Vitality

+3 Stress

 

 

EXIT 3: Reason: While you are definitely frightened, or perhaps that is why, your mind jumps into overdrive and logically analyses the situation in a matter of seconds.

EXIT 3: Role: Intelligence: Plot  Reason

EXIT 3: Success: Your mind is working like crazy all off a sudden. Within 10 seconds you have analyzed the situation and came to two conclusions that lead to the same path. First of all you were 100% certain you were alone in the room that was covered in dust. The odds for someone to find it at exactly the same time as you are below 0.001%. (Well apparently at least something good came from the annoying spirit.)

 

Following from that conclusion you draw a second conclusion. Because that means that if there is a second person/something in the room with you, it is probably highly magical. If that is so running would probably do you no good anyway and you would have at least somewhat of a chance if you face the threat.

 

For some reason those conclusions calm your mind. They don’t explain anything and they don’t make it any less creepy or dangerous, but somehow knowing the situation you are in calms bout your mind and body.

 

Your body is still trembling slightly, but it doesn’t offer any resistance as you calmly turn around to face whatever it is that is weeping. Now unhindered by fear you quickly notice something odd in the room itself.

 

The wall is weeping. You rub out your eyes a few times, but no matter how hard you try you can't change the fact that there is a red substance oozing from the wall.

 

... A weeping wall... forget fear, forget new boxers. (You will need them afterwards though) Who cares about such trivial things when you are confronted with such curious things? Even the fact that the substance oozing from the wall turns out to be blood doesn't disturb you anymore. You start to examine it with as much care and precision as a scientist, when you suddenly hear a voice. Suddenly you realize you are about to make the discovery off the century! With a voice trembling with delight you answer and you are still surprised as the wall answers.

 

EXIT 3: Success Reward:

+1 Courage

+1 Reason

+ Added: Amulet of Bloody Tears

+ Added Spell: Steel Blood

 

-1 Vitality

 

 

EXIT 3: Failure: At first you thought it was a good thing your mind seemed to go in overdrive, but quickly you notice it isn’t. The more you think about it the worse the situation gets. For the first time you fully realize you are alone, locked in an empty room that hasn’t been visited for centuries and yet there is something with you in the room.

 

The fear grows even stronger till it weighs so heavily on your mind and body you feel yourself crumble along with your resolve.

 

Slowly you take a step forwards, when you suddenly realize the dust is gone and instead you step into something wet. Surprised you look at the red substance and once you realize it is actual blood you are standing in you break.

 

Waking up in the medical room you notice you are covered in blood, but you can’t remember how it got there. You don’t even remember what exactly happened in the room.

 

A few weeks later after you have regained your composure you set out to find the room again, but to no avail. Along with your friends you scour through the entire school, but you find nothing even reminding you off the room.

 

In the end your friends give up and even say out loud you must have dreamed the entire ordeal. Even you almost believe so, but then… where did all that blood come from? In the end even you are forced to give up though. Accepting whatever happened will probably remain a mystery forever.

 

EXIT 3: Failure Reward:

+1 Courage

-1 Reason

-2 Vitality

+3 Stress

 

 

Investigate 1: History: This room is ancient, but it still belongs to the school. You have spent countless hours researching the school’s history so you must have read something! Right?

Investigate 1: Role: Intelligence: History

Investigate 1: Success: You remember how you have spent countless hours reading through the history off the school. You even snuck in the forbidden sections of the library and investigated the darker tales of the school. Surely you must have read something about it.

 

It takes an incredible amount of concentration to even remember about the books, when suddenly something pops into your head. Didn’t you read about an experimental room once that was sealed off completely before it was ever put to use?

 

You feel like your brain is about to explode trying to think why it was sealed off. Then suddenly another passage jumps into your mind and suddenly you feel yourself relaxing. The reason it was sealed off was because due to some experiment the wall itself was “alive” and kept weeping so loudly it scared the bejezus out of everyone.

 

That has to be this room and while you still don’t know half of it you now know where the weeping sound is coming from that nearly gave you a heart attack.

 

Investigate 1: Success Reward:

+ 1 History parent skill

* Cuts the roll for courage in half since you know you are alone in the room.

 

Investigate 1: Failure: You remember how you have spent countless hours reading through the history off the school. You even snuck in the forbidden sections of the library and investigated the darker tales of the school. Surely you must have read something about it.

 

Yet no matter how much you try nothing comes to mind. Your fear is so strong it barely allows you to breathe properly, let alone think about such obscure facts.

 

One good thing came out of this though; you don’t remember hearing or reading about any weird slaughter rooms in the school. Surely you would have remembered if there was such a dangerous and scary room in the school.

 

You are almost certain of it. Almost…

 

Investigate 1: Failure Reward: [N/A]

 

 

Investigate 2: Library Knowledge: You have spent so much time in the library you can almost recite half of the books and their content from memory. Surely there must be something in there that can help you.

Investigate 2: Role: Insight: Research  Library Knowledge

Investigate 2: Success: You are a library freak and you are proud of it. You can recite the titles of almost all the books in the library from memory and you can claim you have read more books than most fifth year students have. You even spend at least a dozen nights sneaking into the library and reading books from the forbidden section.

 

There was never any doubt you had read about this room, it was merely questionable if you could recall the knowledge obtained in this situation.

 

And somehow you manage to do so. You recall about an experimental room being closed off forever before it was ever put into practice. For some reason the walls kept weeping and people felt so uncomfortable in the room it causes several nervous breakdowns.

 

While it doesn’t explain how or why now at least you know where the weeping is coming from and that you are still alone in the room. Probably…

 

Investigate 2: Success Reward:

+1 Composure

+1 Library Knowledge

 

Investigate 2: Failure: You are a library freak and you are proud of it. You can recite the titles of almost all the books in the library from memory and you can claim you have read more books than most fifth year students have. You even spend at least a dozen nights sneaking into the library and reading books from the forbidden section.

 

You give yourself a terrible headache trying to dig up the information stored in your mind. There is no doubt you have read about this room, but you can’t seem to remember the content or even the title of the article you read.

 

The only thing you do remember is that it was in the forbidden section of the library were all the dark secrets of the academy are stored.

 

That knowledge doesn’t help you. In fact it only makes you more nervous so you quickly let it go and try to forget about it.

 

Investigate 2: Failure Reward:

+1 Stress

 

 

 

---------------------------------

 

 

 

Ending Text: (if your exit was successful and you didn’t choose run.)

 

A few hours later you realize how incredibly fortunate you are. Not only did you make a new “friend”, but you have also learned things only very few people will ever know. World fame like you first imagined is not going to happen though.

 

As the wall explained during your long conversation it was created using a special type of mortal. By mixing pig blood in the mortal and using the ancient "Steel Blood" spell the makers hoped the wall would be even stronger then the hardest metal and be able to withstand not only the most powerful spells, but time itself as well.

 

The experiment was deemed a success and they made an entire room out of the mortar. It was supposed to be the vault of the school, built to place and preserve the most valuable, powerful and rare items of the country, forever. It was even designed to protect the inhabitants of the school in case of an attack.

 

How quickly that all changed when they noticed (too late) that their experiment had a sinister side effect; the "wall" was born and wept so much blood every night it would flood the room. Disgusted by their own creation, the creators and some of the most powerful wizards of that time tried to destroy it. They tried to undo their “horrible” mistake by all means. However their creation, while horrible, was also a work of perfection and nothing was able to tear down the wall.

 

In the end all they could think of was create a drain around the edges and seal off the room permanently. While sealing it permanently was as impossible as destroying it, they did manage to hide the room by a bunch of mixed spells. A few of the conditions were to enter the room; to enter the person had to be completely and utterly lost. Be so annoyed for a reason they walk into the wall without ever seeing it. The person can't have any knowledge of the room. Those and a dozen other rules would effectively prevent anyone from entering the room.

 

When you leave the room you are weak with hungry and sleep, but most off all a mixed feeling of delight and sadness. While the room gave you an amulet it created from its own bloody tears that would allow you to come back, you could never take someone with you. The ancient magic is too strong and precise to be fooled or negated.

 

So much for world fame…

 

It is not like you to be a pessimist though and you quickly realize something. Not only have you gained a good friend, you are also the only living person that knows the room. You have learned a great many things about a number of subjects and you have gained a new mission.

 

For as much as the wall enjoys your company, its life is rather miserable and after 300 years of loneliness it wants it to end. So before you leave you made the promise you would do anything in your power to help tear it down. While you believe it will be sad to “kill” a friend, you firmly believe it is the best thing to do. You couldn’t possible allow it to continue suffering while doing nothing.

 

With tender gestures your fingers brush around the blood red amulet hanging around your neck. It was the final gift of the wall, allowing you to return through the spells that seal it.

 

When someone in your dorm asks why your amulet seems to be weeping you can barely suppress a smile. This will stay your little secret.

 

 

Addendum:

 

Amulet of Bloody Tears:

Given to you by the Weeping Wall, the amulet is made out of actual blood wept by the Weeping Wall. Using its ancient magic it formed and hardened the blood into a beautiful red amulet. Inside it keeps moving as the core, a fragment of the weeping wall itself, keeps weeping new blood. Where it leaves the old blood you don’t know, but it is obvious incredibly powerful and ancient magic are bound and flow through the amulet.

 

+1 Steel Blood (if Equipped)

* As long as the tear is equipped you may visit the Weeping Wall, allowing you to pass through the ancient barriers that would otherwise even prevent you from even seeing it.

 

Steel Blood:

An ancient spell which is now long gone from public knowledge, lost in the sands of time. It was used in the wars against the dragons. In the battle with a dragon even a minor wound quickly was infected and often fatal which prompted the development of the Steel Blood spell. It effectively turns the user’s blood into a substance that is as hard as steel the moment it comes in contact with oxygen. Hence the name. This prevents minor wounds from bleeding and saved countless lives.

When Cast: +3 vitality for three days.

 

 

Ending the Weeping:

This will be the adventure that will be unlocked by succeeding in the weeping wall event.

This is also my next project, so I hope you will look forward to it as I release it one step at a time.

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Ok this is my first official event in it's full glory. While I underestimated how much work it would be I am pleased with the result if I may say so myself.

 

However what I am looking for is your opinion. What do you think of it? What could be improved? Did I miss something? Are there inconsistency's in the story?

 

Please let me know so I can change it or improve myself for the next time.

 

Thnx guys,

Veggie

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Great to hear. Can I ask a quick question though; how does it look on your computer? I am looking at it on a 26 inch screen with a resolution of 1920x1200. It reduces all the writing to a single line which doesn't look very inviting to me.

 

However too much text in a row doesn't look great either so I broke it up. So how does it look on your computer? As a bunch of lines or are the paragraphs actually paragraphs on a smaller computer?

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Great to hear. Can I ask a quick question though; how does it look on your computer? I am looking at it on a 26 inch screen with a resolution of 1920x1200. It reduces all the writing to a single line which doesn't look very inviting to me.

 

However too much text in a row doesn't look great either so I broke it up. So how does it look on your computer? As a bunch of lines or are the paragraphs actually paragraphs on a smaller computer?

 

I'm at 1680x1050 and it looks fine. Clear and clean, easy to read!

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I am delighted to hear that. As most writers I am rather insecure, especially since my work ain't that great, but I am glad at least the lay out worked well.

 

Thank you for the kind words Mecharm

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Veggie;

 

This looks great- very detailed and imaginative. Nothing to be insecure about. :D

 

Agreed!

 

Trust da Legate!

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Thank you very much for the kind words.

 

Glad you like it, so my next piece of work will indeed be the adventure that is unlocked by this event.

 

Is that possible btw? by fullfilling an event to unlock an adventure? Or by simply equipping the amulet to gain access to that specific location and adventure?

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Veggie;

 

You can, but I don't recommend it. We have some truly obscure stuff in Academagia, but having an Adventure rely on an Event...the odds are not good that in a given game you will ever see this Event.

 

What I suggest instead is having a Location (The Weeping Wall), which, if the Player goes to, unlocks an Adventure.

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True, however the location the weeping wall only becomes available if the amulet is equipped. And for that you need to complete the event.

 

But considering what you are saying I might want to find a new approach to that. On the other hand, I just learned that every student has an adventure. So the chance is pretty slim you will actually see more then 3% of the total of adventures during a regular year.

 

Anyway what would you recommend? If I make it a public place that can be visited by everyone it the event itself makes no sense. But on the other hand if I don't a lot of people will miss out on it.

 

Yeah I'd say I could use your expertise right about now.

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Veggie;

 

It's up to you- if you prefer it to be the ultimate easter egg, that's fine, too. There are many ways to get the Player into that Event, but they all involve forcing them in some way. If you want it to occur organically, then you should leave it as is.

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Give the event a fair probability of happening, under maybe some restriction (unless you take the sadistic approach :D).

 

Even better, if allowed by the engine, increase the probability of the event over time, so that it's nearly impossible to miss by the end of the year.

 

If the probability an event has of happening can be tweaked, then you can definitely make sure the adventure goes to oblivion.

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Ok you have my interest. How do you get people into an event? Since they all have the same probability.

 

Set specific dates for certain events I assume. (given the holidays) What other triggers can be used? Like reaching a certain stat or perhaps after having discovered a certain amount of locations?

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Ok that makes sense. Is it possible to use multiple requirements, but rather then "and" to program them as "or". Meaning that if either off those requirements is fullfilled the event will trigger.

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Vegejor, I know you like the idea of having this as an event but why not just have it as the adventure? I actually think it would really benefit from not being constricted to the event format and just being an unlockable adventure which pops up on your list when you achieve a certain thing. A lot of the adventures are like that, if you read their first sections it has you stumbling upon things.

 

Can I suggest starting earlier than you have with the rolls and breaking it up a bit further? I think you're trying to squeeze too much in here.

 

There's quite a lot of telling instead of showing and a lot of sitting around while I'm told how I'm acting which you could get around, and it would also escape the whole wall of text. I find it draws me in more if I'm more involved and there's plenty in that first section which I could actually be involved in.

 

It'll increase the impact of the voice being annoying too if it's not just the first page of a 10 page event, but if instead it's something we can directly react to.

 

So rather than just having us assume that we've tried these various methods for dealing with the voice, let us try them. Even if they're false exits that we're told don't work let us try until we find out the temporarily deafen solution.

 

The first exits can be easy enough to escape, most adventures start with pretty easy solutions and then crank up the difficulty (from what I can see).

 

I do think it would improve the quality though and also draw out the suspense.

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Actually the answer is quite simple .H, and while I really appreciate your feedback I can't break up the event.

 

The reason is that I wrote the event while knowing this would lead to an adventure. And while I regret spoiling suprises, the ghost isn't actually a ghost.

 

It is something the player would learn in the second or third event of the adventure, but the ghost is actually coming from the wall. Not sure how yet, I have several scenario's in mind, but the wall is basically using the ghost to distract you.

 

One of the requirements for finding the wall is walking into a wall without hesitation or seeing it.

 

 

So while I probably could work around that, I'd rather not. I have most of the adventure planned out and while I will do some minor tweaking, breaking up the event would force me to reconsider considerable parts.

 

 

That said I appreciate what you said and will be certain that my next events will be a bit shorter.

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I did actually figure out that the 'Ghost' was the 'Wall'.

 

I wrote a long analysis of your event, which I won't share, because I can see you don't want to change anything.

 

I do think that the event would be vastly improved if you either lengthened it and added more choices at each stage to break it up and I know you've already dismissed that as an option.

 

Alternatively you could tighten it up a bit and condense it. Repetition is a tool that can work well in fiction, but I don't feel it helps in this medium when every word should count.

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No I wouldn't mind breaking up the event, but I don't want to make it an adventure.

 

And that is where the problem lies; while adventures allow multiple actions in one, events don't.

 

and by all means I am not stuck upon the event, but I'd rather not turn it into an adventure. So feel free to give me the analyses, I'd like to read it.

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Most of the below was written yesterday, before my other post. But I decided not to send it, only well you've asked for it now.

 

If you can't break up the event could you tighten up the introductory text? At the moment there's a lot of it and it is rather repetitive, which is a valid storytelling tool but one I don't think quite works in this medium. Your ideas are solid, the execution isn't quite working.

 

Writing for games, be that interactive fiction, rpgs, or adventures for Academagia is a different medium than any other sort of writing.

 

I didn't feel drawn into your adventure, or into the suspense of it all because I didn't get to act. I was just a passive observer, told what I had to do and the exciting stuff happened before I could actually do anything. So I wasn't hooked.

 

You have 11 sections of text there. Now there are adventures with that amount of passages but the walls of text are left until you've at least started.

 

Less is more. I read the first page of text. I read the last page of text. I skim the middle bits, picking out pertinent bits of information but it's rare that I'll read it all unless I'm actually involved, or if it's hooked me in otherwise.

 

Anyway here's my thought processes as I read through the adventure.

 

1) I am lost. There's a ghost that's speaking which is annoying me. But where am I lost?

 

2) I can't remember when he started to follow me? Has he been following me for weeks? Or just since I got lost? Still Lost. Still got a ghost. Tried a lot of spells. Deafened myself? - Why can't I actually do this? If you give the player the option to actually do it it gives more of an impact than letting them just passively read. What if I don't know how to do any of those things? It's taking away the player's freedom and choices and making them feel powerless.

 

3) The deaf spell doesn't work. Still lost. I'm now suppressing my panic regardless of whether I have courage 0 or courage 10.

 

4) Ah the ghost's still there. I'm still casting spells even though they don't work? Why am I doing it if we already established they don't work? I'm faced with a choice of paths but I don't get to choose? I'm forced into a dead end? I feel stupid and annoyed? The word 'crap' there was quite jarring for me too. I'm still lost.

 

5) Why do I want to hit my head on the wall? It's definitely going to make my headache worse? I'm focusing on my surroundings despite my skills? I'm still lost.

 

6) AHA! Found something. Mentioning smell is good. Smell is a very evocative sense and too often people just rely on describing sights and sounds. Graveyards don't smell of blood though. Or was that Graveyard and the scent of blood. This is a good paragraph though.

 

7) Why haven't I asked the ghost anything before? Say my character's the most talkative character in the world and who never shuts up? Say my character has Miranda or Shadow as their familiar, then in either case they might have a tendency to speak with spirit-sorts.

 

I think the mention of scary stories actually breaks the tension. As 13 (is it?) I'm still a youth, still a child. Your passage before really evokes how creepy the place is. You don't need to repeat or reiterate it. Sometimes less is more.

 

 

8) Finally after goodness knows how long I've decided to speak to it only it's shut up? That's frustrating. And you're repeating again that it's a creepy place.

 

9) And then again you force an action, with the strongest most destructive spell, and again it doesn't work. What if my character is a pacficist who doesn't know or want to use those sorts of spells?

 

10) And again my efforts come to nothing, but it's frustrating more that I don't get to make those efforts, that I'm watching passively. And then the wall starts crying. Only why haven't I connected the sound of the wall to that of the ghost that was there earlier?

 

11) And finally I get to make choices, I get to take action. But I feel like I've been railroaded into this point.

 

And then there's a whole pile of text afterwards wrapping things up which I didn't read because by then my brain had melted by the sheer amount of text above.

 

Now, I think you have three important details.

 

1) You are lost.

2) There is a voice which is driving you crazy.

3) You find a weeping wall.

 

So in the name of absolutely butchering your event I'd say rip apart what you've written so far and pull out all of the non-essential text. You've got an absolutely fascinating idea here which is drowning beneath a page of text. This is the hook to your adventure, the bit that gets people interested.

 

Have you ever tried those writing exercises where you've to tell a story in 100 words?

 

You're also suffering from a conflict in atmospheres. The whole being lost, being unable to find your way, coming across a room that smells of graveyard and blood, and a wall that weeps should be creepy. The voice though, which whispers, is annoying and comedic. There's a clash between both things. Which feel are you trying to go for? Are you trying to go for a creepy horror story which sends shivers down your spine or for a funny tale?

 

"Aside from the strange smell that reminds you of the graveyard back at home and the smell off blood in the air, you quickly realize something is wrong with this place. In fact the longer you stand there the stronger you can smell the blood. The smell is so thick you can practically taste the iron on your tongue every time you inhale.

 

What makes it even stranger though is that it almost seems as if you are the first to come here for centuries. Thick layers of dust are everywhere and aside from your own footprints the dust hasn't been disturbed in its settling process for a long, LONG time!"

 

See that passage above. That's showing me it's creepy rather than telling me. I like that passage. ;) What I'd love to see is a passage before it explaining how you're lost, and a ghostly voice telling you how you'll never find your way again. The moment you add percentages to it you make the ghost more amusing and annoying than scary. But you've a gift for writing creepy, if you just show and don't tell.

 

Now fear really grasps at your soul and you feel it creeping up your spine as you realize you are all alone in this place. When suddenly the smell of death and blood becomes twice as strong and still increases rapidly the urge to bolt and get the hell out of there establishes itself deeply in your mind.

 

I like that one too. :)

 

After that add the sounds of the wall sobbing. You kill the effect with mentioning underwear, going again from horror to funny, when really, on its own, just mentioning that the eerie silence in the room is suddenly broken by the sound of weeping and moaning and suddenly you're trapped.

 

"Something loudly starts to weep and moan behind you. As you turn back however to run like you have never done before you stop dead in your tracks. Your eyes widen in disbelief, trembling heavily in their sockets, as your pupils dilate. Your breathing and even your pounding heart stop for a second as you realize the way back is gone."

 

That last line is scary. That last line gives shivers. It's really good. That's where you should finish. That's where you should let the player decide how to escape.

 

You don't need as much words as you have, (oh no I am repeating myself,) because you are a good writer and you can do more with less words. You don't need to tell things because you're really good at showing it.

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