21 posts in this topic

Is it odd for me to start this thread? Egal.

What I'd like to collect are some german jokes. But not jokes from germany but about germany.

In germany we know a few evil jokes about other countries and I wondered: It has to be the other way round as well. And I think it improves anyones Fanfic's if he knows them as reference. XD

As example what I'm looking for I provide two jokes about the french*. No real harm or insult intended.

"Why are there so many avenues in france?" -

 

"So the german soldiers don't have to march in the sun's heat."



"Why is the Eiffel-tower so very high?" -

 

"So you can see the white flag in Berlin."

I hope this thread won't be taken down.

*In the hope the french can take them easy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a great thread...provided that you're just as willing to enjoy the jokes about Germany. :)

"Tell me, what are you going to do after the war?"

"I'm finally going to take a vacation and see all of Germany."

"And what are you going to do in the afternoon?"

;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Legate of Mineta said:

This is a great thread...provided that you're just as willing to enjoy the jokes about Germany. :)

"Tell me, what are you going to do after the war?"

"I'm finally going to take a vacation and see all of Germany."

"And what are you going to do in the afternoon?"

;)

What's the difference between Yoghurt and Americans?

Yoghurt has it's own culture.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This one's old and kinda well known but funny to me none the less.

A German Coast guardsman stands the radio watch when suddenly a distress call comes over the speakers in English.

Unknown ship: Mayday! Mayday! This is the passenger liner Elizabeth, we are taking on water! Repeat, We are sinking!"

The German Coast Guardsman remembers as much english as he can to decipher the message before responding.

"Vhat are you sinking about?"

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Why was there never a coup d'état in the USA?
 

Spoiler

There's no US embassy.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
51 minutes ago, Legate of Mineta said:

Hey, that's not period appropriate. :)

Surprisingly so, but why has it to be? ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

(It's not my story but I like the formatting, so I left it in First person.)

 

And from comedian Dick Gregory:

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A classic one. An RAF pilot goes to a primary school to talk about what it was like during the war. At one point he starts talking about one sortie he went out on.

"There was me and my wingman, just flying over the cliffs of Dover, when all of a sudden two Fokkers jumped us and I had to break off."

Theres some snickering as he continues on.

"Fortubately my squadron leader was able to come to our help just as another three Fokkers engaged us."

The snickering continues until the teacher speaks up.

"Children, please. Stop snickering. The Fokker was the name of a German plane."

The pilot looks at her and says: "Yeah but these Fokkers were in Messerschmidts."

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know a  a couple jokes about Germans 

Why do Germans drive the Mercedes?
Because they have a
viewfinder in the front and feel like in a Tiger.

 

Three Germans walk into a BAR.

 

Gdzie leżą Niemcy? Pod Stalingradem.

Polish joke with wordplay from the occupation of Poland.

 

There are two trenches: German and Polish.
And so they fight with each other, they shoot themselves, but so far none of the parties hit. Until finally one of the Poles said:
- What is the most popular German name?
- Hmmmm ... maybe Hans?
- ABOUT! Good! We scream Hans and maybe some deer will go out and shoot him. And they scream:
- Hans!
- Ja!? - The kraut leaned out ... JEB! Got a
bullet .
- Hans!
- Ja!? - JEB! Next...
- Hans!
- Ja!? - JEB!
And so they beat them up, there were only a few ... They 
think and think:
- Maybe we will do that too?
- JA! What is the popular Polish name?
- Maybe Zdzichu?
- Ja gut!
And they scream:
- Zdzichu!
- (silence)
- Zdzichu!
- (silence)
- Zdzichu!
- Zdzicha is not there, is on vacation ... It's you Hans?
- Ja! - JEB!

 

 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Shirogane said:

I know a  a couple jokes about Germans 

I know a lot of german polish jokes. None of them is war related. They were the only jokes about a non-german group of people you got told in the school yard frequently. Usually a car was involved in those jokes.
And I remember the existence of a similar german(!) joke about Stalingrad.... but can't put it together. If I find it, I post it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Why do italian tanks have a rear view mirror?

Spoiler

So they can keep an eye on the frontline.

Ich wollte grad einen guten Russenwitz erzählen, aber jemand Stalingrad. - German joke with wordplay on how Stalingrad sounds in german.
 

Spoiler

The phrase "stahl ihn grad" means "just stole it". So the joke doesn't work in english: I wanted to tell a russian joke, but somebody just stole it.

Der Führer war ein armes Schwein, er hatte keinen Führerschein.
The Führer was a poor pig, he had no driving license. (obvious wordplay I guess and true.)

A long one hides here:

Spoiler

One day Hitler travels the countryside from Wolfsschanze to Berlin. He takes his car with chauffeur, because of a little trouble with something called "allied air superiority".
Suddenly the car hits something and hitler orders his driver to stop and check what happened.
So the driver does it and reports: "My Führer, we killed a hen with the car. Probably from that farm over there."
"That surely is in convenient for the farmers", Hitler responds. "Bring them the dead hen and compensate them in my name."
The driver goes to the farmhouse and after a short while comes back. Some flowers in his hands.
"My Führer the farmers refused compensation. They assured me the hen was supposed to be killed today for dinner, we spared them the work. They even gave me a little Schnapps for the schock and also gave me those flowers as an apology to the Führer for the dirt on the car."
"What nice farmers." Hitler responded, takes the flowers and orders the drive to continue.

After a while the car hits something again. Same procedure as before: The driver reports after invertigation:
"My Führer, we hit a dog. Probably from that farm over there."
Hitler again sends his driver to apologise on his behalf.
After half an hour the driver comes back, a bit tipsy and with a big picnic-basket in his hands.
"My.... Führer, the farmers assured me the dog was old and unwanted and thanked me wizz a Schnapps or two for me, while putt...ing together this.... picnic-basket... foryou."
"What nice and loyal farmers, but you shouldn't drink so much. Anyway continue, we are alte now.", Hitler responds.

After a while again, the car hits something big and heavy on the street. The driver reports:
"My Führer.... we hit... a pig."
"Probably from those farmers over there." Hitler concludes and orders again his driver to apologise and compensate.
Half an hour passes.... one hour passes....finally the driver comes back, totally drunk.
"Mein Gott, what did you do, Mann?" asks Hitler in a slightly angered way.
"My... Führer... I'm sorry. But the farmer..... he insisted....." responds the driver.
"Why would he do such a thing?" asks Hitler now confused.
"I...d-d-don't know my Führer. All I said to him was 'Heil....Hitler, the pig is dead.' and he brought out the liquor for celebration."


 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

A few jokes about the marines while I can type safely without getting beaten.

A young sailor struts confidently into a bar and sits at the counter next to a group of big, tough-looking men.  He says to one "You want to hear a joke about a marine?"

The tough guy turns to him with an stern look in his eye and says "I'm 6 feet tall, 210 pounds, and a Marine."  Another even tougher man stands up behind him.  The tough guy continues.  "My friend here is 6-foot-2, 235 pounds, and a marine."  A third guy, who looks like the toughest of the three stands up next.  "My other friend is 6-foot-5, 275 pounds of pure muscle, and a marine.  Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The sailor shakes his head and says, "Nah, I'd have to explain it three times."

 

An Air Force pilot walks into the O-club, and it's filled with marines.  All the marines begin making the usual chair-force jokes and raucous laughter fills the room at the pilot's expense.  The pilot says "You know, being a pilot wasn't my first choice."  The room quiets down and he continues.  "I actually wanted to be a marine, but I couldn't pass the test."  Interested now, the marines lean in and the pilot says "No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fit my head in that goddamn jar!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
 

This one was originally told by u/galadon over on Reddit:

Three WW2 Generals from the allies were arguing over who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches.

“See, British soldiers are the bravest.”

“That’s nothing” said the Russian General

“Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.”

“Da, Comrade General!”

The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl.

“Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.”

The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.”

He calls one of his men over.

“Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!”

Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says

“Go xxx yourself, General.”

“See! Now that takes some real balls!”

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Spoiler

There is a tale of a butcher in Germany who made sausage from various birds he killed, including sea birds. Eventually the police showed up and had him arrested. He was charged with taking a tern for the wurst.

 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A little something to get Nerpa in trouble:

Spoiler

A man arrives home and excitedly informs his wife, "Guess what, I got into the Party!"

She replies, "You're always getting into something.  Did you get it on your shoes?" 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 29/8/2017 at 0:55 PM, Käpt'n Korky said:

Why do italian tanks have a rear view mirror?

  Reveal hidden contents

So they can keep an eye on the frontline.

 

I'm not going to pick out a fuss, but I just want to point out that this joke, like many others of the same kind about the same thing (for example, the "one gear fowards, four gears in reverse" one) are in contradiction with a little known and somewhat tragic truth.

The truth that one flaw that the Italian tanks carried with them for a long time (all save the ones built from 1943) was their underpowered engine, and therefore reduced speed both on road and on broken ground. This meant that the Italian tankers not only could not effectively pursue a beaten enemy, but, more importantly, were unable to disengaged if defeated in battle; especially in the later engagements, against overwhelming force and equipment, they could do nothing but literally charge the enemy, hoping to get a few of them before being destroyed. And they did, knowing they couldn't even run away, like after all these years many people believe they did.

I hope that, in this light, I won't offend anyone if I say that jokes like this don't make me laugh.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Primarily: A joke inside. Secondarily: Reminder how Italy sacked Libya, while the british army was stuck in Palestine sands.

Spoiler

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That I can think of right now...

 

Why did Hitler kill himself?
 

Spoiler

He saw the gas bill.

 

Unfortunately, most of the jokes I've heard don't really translate well...

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now