Jump to content
Black Chicken Studios Forums

Fun with Greenlight

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 685
  • Created
  • Last Reply

It's going to be exciting when it's all done, because then I'm sure Y2 will get a nice boost in the resources allocated to it. Has it been discovered whether or not sequels need greenlighting also? That would be a slap in your face if so.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is great news! -Great news!-


I'll be looking forward to seeing the trailer as well! (Though I'm still looking forward to seeing year 2 even more... *nudge nudge*)




As for the script...


I got a few things I want to highlight, and then I got a few suggestions. Be mindful that my English isn't top class, and this is from a kid living in a country where the capitol holds about half a million souls, so my estimates of how speeches are given to large assemblies (in other, larger, countries) might not be representative.



ORSO: ...and I guarantee you that you're not going to be the most annoying. We have astrologers. We know. - You don't need astrologers! You just need to know that a Marchant is joining this year and that he isn't part of the assembly that you are talking to!!



ORSO: And, Gods, don't get me started on the professors. You'll love some of them, others are basically just basilisks in expensive shoes.


ORSO: But we all want you here.


ORSO: I'm not going to lie... - You just did Orsi! I am fairly sure a decent percentage of the staff would rather be without all those nasty meddling unhygienic students running around making a mess of everything! School would be a much better place if it wasn't for those students... just saying!




But all in all I like it, I just feel like the start seems to suggest that there are a lot of students present, yet his manner of speaking (I am aware that he prefers to keep it informal, but even so) seems to suggest a rather small number.


Perhaps underline that he is speaking to a small group.



"My ladies, my lords. I am pleased that even a small group have the dedication and fire to come and visit our school on such a short notice!"


If you wanted you might make it sound like Orsi was giving a tour of the school, if you wished to show off some of the nice backgrounds that you have in the game!

I must encourage you to stay close. The year has not yet started so there are no students, but there are still plenty of dangers if you stay too far from the path… [it also highlights that the largest danger in the school is indeed the students, closely followed by the staff]



But this place: the Academy of Mineta. The Academagia. It is the greatest single beacon of learning set down on these great islands since the tyranny of the Dragons broke and the New Gods gave humanity a chance to be more than slaves and puppets - I think this part is gold. Pure gold, because despite his informal tone, he still goes out of his way to give the school the credit where it is due - which really underlines what he is says here.



And you are here because we want you to join. I don't care if your parents were gravediggers, or if you're descended from kings. Or both. - I find it strange that it shifts here, from "we want" to "I don't" But it is informal... and really I don't think *every* staff member wouldn't care if you were the child of a graverobber or the son of prince... *looks as von Rupprecht*



... and the school's infested with secret societies, and we're all living in the shadow of the murderous politics of the oldest, richest, most hectic city in all Elumia. - It seems odd to me that the murderous politics aren't mentioned before the secret societies. Surely the fact that we live in a city that has a tendency towards backally dealings influenced the secret societies in the school. And "infested" seems like a strong word...



ORSO: If you don't want to be protected... oh, we have adventures waiting for you.


ORSO: Hundreds. Hundreds of stories waiting to be lived! - I don't particularly care if we got a hundred, or two hundred or fifteen actual adventures. Orsi is selling, and so should your teaser. So by all means keep this and skypirates in. On a related note; we got a freaking ton of adventures! 231+ is no small number

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hehe you are likely right Freespace!


I'll admit that I'm looking forward to seeing the new UI as well. If it contains a search function for phemes I may cry tears of joy, there are a few other things I wouldn't mind if they squeezed in before that though ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...